so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
