I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
