do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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