I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Is Oprah even human
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
