Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Randomize
