I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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