Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
