I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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