you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
A bitchslap is in order.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
We smell like vodka and hangover
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