So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
