Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
