My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Dicks are not precious.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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