So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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