Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
