I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
