dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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