Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
