My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
