Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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