my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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