Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
