I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
