so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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