First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
