I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
