things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
zippers are such a cool invention
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
