I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
