I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
