there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
she smelled like a LAN party
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
