Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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