My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
