the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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