i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
