He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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