MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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