I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
