Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
