wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
