What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
