im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
