you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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