I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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