I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
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