im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
