We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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