his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
