I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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