I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
