Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Randomize
