she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i was born a porn star she said
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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