I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
