yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
